Motherhood and Conclusions

it was thinking i had thee most difficult mom ever and that i would never become just like her.

it was wishing we were close and sometimes getting a glimpse of what that would be like.

it was having a mom who was a great example of serving others, cooking dinners, and making a home and birthdays unforgetable.

it was wondering when i would be a mom.

it was finding out were were gonna have a baby and not knowing how to react to that news.

it was taking my mom and sisters out to lunch for our mom on mothers day and telling them all that i was pregnant and watching my sisters and mom get tears in their eyes.

it was about gaining 50 pounds. looking like a blimp. and saying to myself "this better be worth it"!!!!!

it was hard labor and delivery and feeling like i had definetly earned that title after 9 mos.

it was holding my new baby in my arms and knowing no one would love her as much as me.

it was knowing that she would depend on me and need me for a very long time.

it was sore boobs, sleepless years, reconfiguration of the body, and doing it all over again, 2 times.

it is hearing that baby say "mama" for the first time and knowing she knows its you.

it was having another one and thinking it wasn't so bad...let's do it again.

it was having another one and knowing it could never be as bad and that i'd never do it again.

it was a huge celebration on my first ever mother's day.

it is watching them sleep and praying i live another 40 years with them.

it is having them all safe and sound in my nest and not wanting them to spread their wings and fly away.

it is saying "i love you" everyday.

it is sometimes yelling, "i don't want to be a mom today" - i have seriously said that.

it is having gratitude that i could bring 3 children into this world with my body.

it is hard work on a daily basis.

it is knowing i will always be a mom and they'll forever need me and i'll forever need them.

it is cleaning their rooms, folding their clothes, cooking their meals and being in their classrooms.

it is homework, activities, and teaching manners, spirituality and keeping them innocent.

it is watching them fall down and watching them get right back up again - tears in your eyes too.

it is allowing them to learn pain and how to cope, gain strength, and that i may not always be able to be "right there".

it is snuggling in bed with them and reading.

it is about hearing them say I HATE YOU after ALL you've done for them!

it is thinking "why is SHE such a perfect mother"?

it is realizing what my mom actually must have been going thru and why she did what she did.

it is knowing how each of them smells and sounds and walks.

it is recognizing their "CRY" and "MOMMY" in a park/room full of 50 plus kids.

it is letting go on the first day of school.

it is being the tooth fairy and "everything" else for the holidays.

it is about creating magic.

it is about having a huge collection of homemade cards and gifts and never wanting store gifts.

it is killing yourself for thee perfect birthday party and wondering why you do it year after year.

it is talking to them about the birds and bees and wishing they were still a baby in your arms.

it is about creating traditions.

it is about all that homework and school projects!

it is about having dinner together, most nights.

it is about being a soccer mom...but NOT in this family! thank heaven.

it is about wearing 29 different hats, all day, everyday of your life.

it is about missing your mother-in-law so, so much and wishing she were still alive.

it is about loving your mother-in-law for who she is and how she raised your husband.

it will be about taking them to college and saying "where did time go"?

it will be about crying and staying up at night wondering if they miss and need you.

it will be about sending a missionary off to a far away place and thinking "how can i let him go".

it will be about watching them get married and thinking no one will ever be good enough for them.

it will be about acknowleding and admitting i have totally become my mother!

it will be about that first grandchild and thinking i'm not old enough to be a grandma.

it will be about holding that baby in my arms and feeling life come full circle back around.

it will be about wishing i could buy more time.

it will be about burying my own mom one day and knowing she WAS thee best mom for me.

it will be about wondering if i really was a good mom.

it will be about an empty nest and missing all that laughing and crying and yelling and playing.

it will be about teaching my daughter how to be a good mom and knowing when to step back.

it will be about bringing all of my big family together and making great memories, still.

it will be hoping that i leave behind a life of wonderful memories and knowing that i spent my time doing what really matters the most - enjoying the journey of motherhood.

it is mother's day, again. i'm in the thick of motherhood...and i wouldn't change a thing!

i love you lauren, ethan, and evan - thanks for making me your mommy.