MEN...

OOOOOH...

now, pause. but not for long or you'll be having a hot flash.

it sucks getting older. really it does. my gma went thru early menopause in her late 30's/early 40's and so did my mom. it started for me when i turned 40. and now...i am in full blown menopause! my ob confimed that last week. i wasn't surprised, nor was i elated. this just means the aging process is gonna be hard to stay ahead of now.

along with hot flashes come the aches of bones and joints and muscles that don't function like they used to. my knees give out easily - what an old thing i am! my lower back ALWAYS hurts. wrinkles and aged skin will appear almost over night - or so i am reading. grey hair. it's coming.

the worst are the mood swings, sleepyness, crankyness, and the HORRID muffin top!! now i get why they call it the "middle aged" season. because everything literally gathers, drops, falls, sags... to the middle of your body. it is horrific. my waist has disappeared. gone. nada. buh-bye.

and every woman has to come to terms with the arrival of "you ain't got it goin' on any more". wow. this sucks. i used to be so perky and cute. the other day my kids and i were in the car and they asked me to lift my arms and wave. i knew where they were going. i refused. ethan started singing some song about flabby arms. me????? flabby arms!!!! noooooooooooooooooo.

what has happened to me? i have headaches all the time. i've had like 10 hot flashes while i'm typing this and i'm NOT kidding! i'm hot. i'm cold. i'm hot. i'm cold. i'm hot.

i wish i was HOT. still. now only the old mexican guys at home depot whistle at me. how pathetic.

i can see now how middle aged women get all this work done to their face and bodies...as a way to "cling" to youth. OH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE... what for??????? my dr. asked me if i wanted hormone treatment, estrogen, botox....

i said no, no, and no. if this is what my body wants to do then that's what it's gonna do. and don't be fooled by thinking that PMS is now gone. i just now have it every. day. of. my. life.

menopause means your body has stopped having a period at all for exactly a year. it means you don't produce estrogen anymore, your ovaries shrivel up, and your uterine lining is way thin. all those hundreds of thousands of eggs you were born with...are done. no more. and the baby making days are over...WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

just hand me a cane now! sign me up for the nicest nursing home and i'm trading in my kotex for depends. dr. pepper for ensure. and stocking up on gerital.

if this is a middle aged crisis, what is an old age crisis?

now i'm cold. i have a headache. i'm sleepy.

don't even get me started on how it affects your labido. it's time to burn the lingere.

if you feel sorry for me, you should. to help me in this crisis, please send me chocolate. dark chocolate. lots of it. it helps me cope. makes me happy. makes me fatter and adds to my muffin top. did i already tell you that i figured out why its called a muffin top? imagine the bottom part of a muffin. still in the paper liner. then imagine the top part - puffy, round, spilling out and over the liner. that's my stomach and waist. it's too gross to disguss anymore.

i'm done.