i realize i have been 2 of them and 1 of them is what i am hoping to arrive at before i die. i also realize that at different times in my life i have had all 3 types of friends. where i am in life and who i've become as a wife and mother has made me let go of certain things, embrace other things, and cling tightly to ones i am sure of. clinging tightly to certain types of friends can only make me a better friend, and mom, and wife, and any/all other titles i may have. i also realized that "pre" kids i was much more tolerant. maybe because i was weak and afraid of friends "not liking me" for speaking up or for telling them "what i really was thinking" or for telling them "what they really needed to hear". i was also young and in the early years of learning who and what a true friend is, and how to be one. lots of mistakes and tears.
fast forward, "post" kids. having kids has made me tolerant in one way, less tolerant in another. everyday i am disiplining, i have to really think before i speak, i have to think carefully about what i say and how i say it. i have found that this has changed how i am as a friend. there's no time for sugar coating reality in this season of my life. i'm not so timid or intimidated anymore or afraid of what they'll say or think of me. i know that there are the seasons in our lives where sometimes we can give more, and other times where we have to learn to take and be on the receiving end. both arenas teach us. as we learn we hopefully become more compassionate, more giving of our time and efforts, and willing to walk in anothers shoes before we open our mouth. i have learned that always giving the benefit of the doubt can help you feel more sensitive. i try hard to be sensitive and tuned in - i try - but i also realize that during the "mothering" years it's your little family that comes first. sometimes your friends may really need you and your time and just to know you are there for them. sometimes you are the one that really needs that. i've accepted the fact that sometimes friend time doesn't always come first like it used to - or at least when you had more disposable time. now i carve out time or look for windows of time and opportunity to talk. it's easier when they are all in school. but then that is when YOU sometimes need your space and breathing room to collect yourself together. it's easy to get offended in this phase. you feel alone or abandoned by friends...but really they have their own pile of junk they are dealing with too. it's a hard season to be a committed friend but it's not impossible.
i guess there are probably, like, 20 different types of friends. i just went off the top of my head on the type's i've observed and been. there's no right or wrong about it. i may seem judgemental in my observation. that's not my message. i guess i'm just trying to refine myself in this area of my life.
i've now deleted and added to this post about 4 times. it's a sensitive topic but i think worth posting about.
so here's those 3 types of friends:
the first is the one who reaches out to you only when they need something or want something from you. they could care less to ask about how you really are and/or how they can ever help you. it's always about them 1st. you can tell them your problems, they're the funnest to be around, you love to be with and go out with them, they make you feel like life is fun and you feel good with them. it's about the "good times", the ones seeking the party. but when it comes to obstacles/challenges - they hear you, but they don't listen. if you've done something wrong they'll hold your hand - but often toward the fire - cuz it's all about feeling good. they don't correct you (unless you've crossed them), and it's because they make you forget the bad/wrong that you are drawn to them and are enticed to hang out. zero emotional investment (think college!)
the second is the one who feels entitled to be in your business - the one who wants to keep tabs on you and always wanna know whats going on in your life - the busy-body friend. they may rarely want to be part of helping you with the solutions in your life, but they want to know about all of the problems and go as far as to share them with everyone they know (the gossiping fool). they hear and listen. they may not judge harshly but they'll also condone and justify what you do cuz they never want to make you feel guilty/bad/cope. they'll take you by the hand and you will go in circles with this friend because they don't want you to feel worse or feel pain, which is sometimes needed to grow and change. there's kinda no deep investment.
the third is the one who genuinely cares. who calls and keeps in touch whether you reach out or not; but who knows when to reach out to you or respectfully back off. they don't ask for anything and rarely dominate the conversation by only talking about themself. this is the friend that hears, listens, and who loves you enough to disagree at times, who you can feel vunerable with and safe and know they will be constructive with you as they carefully tell you to get your crap together and who positively constructs so you won't self destruct! they won't let you feel numb. they won't judge you - they'll help you see where you need to make corrections/changes/help you pull your head out of your butt. they'll hold your hand towards the light, not towards the fire, or in circles - even if every step of the way is slow going. she'll bring out the best in you and your strength's and helps you become the person that is struggling to come out. this friend tells you what you don't want to hear, but in such a way that you listen and have no doubt that they genuinly have your back. you can't help but embrace that friend. the one who helps you open up your heart and mind. this one is where there is total investment of time, emotions, effort, love - it is about real connection.
i have not always been thee best kind of friend, regretfully. but, i am old enough that i have had more than a handful of loving, genuine, caring, trustworty friends. they have been my teachers and examples. i have been lifted, carried, soothed, listened to, loved, constructively criticized, and lead by the hand towards the light. i don't know what i ever did to deserve such great influences in my life, but i hope i remain worthy of their friendship and these heavenly connections.
it is my goal to seek to be the latter friend. i have a very long way to go, but i am learning from the best. to all my friends...thank you for being such positive influences in my life. the Lord knew i would need you!
my favorite friend poem:
you're the finest of the fine
take this little thought from me,
you are what i'd like to be.
all the kindly deeds you do,
make me wish that i were you.
your're the finest of the fine,
good ole loyal friend of mine.
by edgar a crues
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