A TIME TO LAUGH

it's time to post some serious humor and not be so boring. when i go running i think of all these funny things to share and then when i come home i forget everything. it's easter - 9pm - and i'm feeling like a fat cow. i can't even zip up my shorts so my beer belly is hanging out. for sure i'm gonna run tomorrow. no more candy for me. any good suggestions for a full body detox?
so i was driving the other day and stopped at a light behind an infinity fx 35, an suv. as i stared at the back of this car there was something so very familiar about it to me that i had to really think about what it was. then, i got it. the back of this car...was my butt! it's like a bubble with saddle bags and wide hips and a bit of a waist line. then i had this thought...what car model best describes everyone's butt? the light turned green and i watched my butt drive away. it's kinda cute. i then began to look at every single car and see how well they resemble butt's. some are long and flat - a grandpa butt, some are short and stick out. some are very wide. see for yourself. some even puff out bad exhaust! i think i just took it a step too far. so, next time you're driving check out all the cars in front of you and that go by and ask yourself - which one is my butt? then, post it on this blog!!! i think i'll take a photo of that infinity and me standing next to it and show you all.
moving on....i also had a funny idea of sharing my most embarrassing moments. oh there are so many - where to start. well i think we can all use a good laugh so here goes. the first one that stands out was when i was at ricks college. long story short i was laying on my friend kirk's bed and he was sitting on my butt (my infinity) and giving me a back massage while my roommate was with kirk's roommate - making out in his bed. yes, at ricks that's breaking the rules. so kirk starts to tickle me and i majorly fart - on his butt - and our roommates stick their heads out of the sheets and bust out laughing. i asked the good lord to please take my life that very moment. and kirk was all, "she farted, she farted"! then he served a mission in my home ward. then he got married and moved into my next home ward when i was married. it was weird. i know i was known as the fart girl.
on my mission i saw a chiropractor - for a very short time. when his assistant told me he had to take an xray of my spine, i was all, "no big deal". so we go in this room and he was a young, chunky guy, so i wasn't too embarrassed when in a skirt he asked me to sit on a chair, with a straight back, and sit spread eagle (is that the terms spelling?) as much as i could. i'm all "dude, i'm in a skirt and i'm not taking it off"! but i did as he asked, luckily it was very flowing (the skirt). so we get the xray back and he calls me in so we can see it and we all stood there, silent, for a very long time. our eyes were all very focused on the one thing that stood out so very obviously....my tampon, with the string dangling out. again i asked the good lord to take my life that moment. he didn't.
i know i have many more that may be typical moments but this next one i've shared many times - at least many times over with the same people! so my sister introduced me to these herbal "intestinal cleansers". they do the job but you must be by a toilet 12 hours later or you're in trouble. well, this one morning (12 hours later) my intestines were cleaned out and i set out for the day with the two boys. they were 4 and 2. we went to Michael's and they asked for gumballs from the machine in front and i promised we wouldn't leave the store without getting them. after some time shopping i felt "that urge" in my colon. i'm all, "can't be". i said to them mommy has to find a bathroom fast and when i asked the clerk she's all, "the bathrooms are out of order" and i'm all, "oh, hell no she did not just tell me that"! i said "boys, we have an emergency and have to leave to go next door but we'll come right back". as we were leaving they saw that gumball machine and FREAKED OUT. they were screaming and crying and yelling YOU PROMISED WE COULD HAVE A GUMBALL! i knew i couldn't lose my temper as i had to avoid using certain muscles that did certain functions. there were lots of people in line and the boys were losing it. so i kinda lost it and went frantically searching thru my purse for the damn quarters, which i couldn't find, all the while i felt a volcano beginning to erupt in my pants. i was stuck between a rock and a hard place. i had to pacify them so i could run and do my business quickly. as i waited for those stupid gumballs to go down that gumball machine obstacle course my body could no longer fight the force. and, in front of the store, lots of people in line, i pooped my pants. actually, it was a lava of diarrhea. down my legs it began. i shoved those gumballs into their mouth's and got outside and began to run to the next store over in search for a toilet when, again, the lava began to pour. it was too late. how could i go into a store with diarrhea running down my legs and onto my shoes? i was frozen! the boys were all, "what smells like poop mom"? i said, " mommy just pooped her pants so we have to leave". i ran frantically forward without looking back. how could i show my face??!!! i left a trail to my car. i sat in a messy mess the whole 20 minutes home!! now i know how a baby feels when you don't change them right away! lesson learned: if you have to take a colon cleanser....stay home for 24 hours...and also, don't promise gumballs to the kids if you have any doubt about having quarters in your purse, also, carry wipes and air freshener and bags in your car - just in case. so, that moment reminds me of a potty song my best friend nicole kocher taught me in 5th grade. it goes like this:
diarrhea, uh, uh diarrhea.
some people think its funny but its really dark and runny. diarrhea, uh, uh diarrhea.
no pain, no stain just let it drip and drain. diarrhea uh, uh diarrhea.
no sweat, no fret just let it go down wet. diarrhea, uh, uh diarrhea.
up goes the covers, up goes the sheets, a fifty yard dash to the toilet seat, diarrhea, uh, uh, diarrhea.
that jingle just about sums up my very humiliating, most embarrassing moment ever!
song of the day: "Fly Away" by lenny kravitz (cause that's what embarrassing moments make you want to do)! have a suzy moment!